We are all moved!
We just moved from the smallest town I have ever seen to a city. I grew up in villages out in the boondocks so I thought moving to a small town wouldn’t affect me. I couldn’t have been more wrong. After 8 months Continue reading
“I just couldn’t bear the thought of people living in poverty, children sold into slavery. The thought disgusted me so I shook my fist at Heaven, said “God, why don’t you do something.” He said, “I did. I created YOU.” ~ “Do Something”, Matthew West
This week in our house devotions we looked at Acts 5 which talks about how an angel of the Lord released the apostles from jail. Immediately after their release, God sent them back out to preach the gospel, which was the very thing they were thrown in prison for. When asked by the high priests why they continued to preach in Jesus’ name despite being forbidden to do so, Peter and the apostles replied “We must obey God rather than men.”
It struck me while reading this passage that the ones who were afraid were the high priests and not the apostles. The power and authority of God was so clearly demonstrated that a Pharisee named Gamaliel advised the Sanhedrin to leave the apostles alone, telling them “if this plan or action is of men, it will be overthrown; but if it is of God, you will not be able to overthrow them; or else you may even be found fighting against God.“ My goodness, the wisdom!
Going over this chapter of the bible this week has been both encouraging and convicting. It is so easy in life to get caught up in what the people around us have to say that we sometimes forget to listen for God’s voice. When I was in high school, I became sensitive to God’s pull on my heart to fight injustice, specifically in the area of modern day slavery. I knew then that when the time was right, God would ask me to take a step of faith and “do something.” Two summers ago I realized that time had come. God was sending me back “home” to Thailand to join the fight against slavery. I have been in Thailand nearly 8 months now, and every day I grow more amazed at my God, His benevolent kindness and heart for justice.
As I read Acts 5 this week, I realized that these words are what I want the anthem of my life to be: I will obey God rather than men. Regardless of the consequences I will obey God rather than men. The apostles walked in the confidence of having the almighty God on their side, and so do we!
Remember Nhu has asked me to serve with them full time as an international worker. God has made it very clear that this is where He wants me, so I am coming back to Thailand! Northeast Thailand, where I am located, is possibly the poorest area of Thailand and has a large amount of at-risk children. Remember Nhu is trying to establish a presence in Northeast Thailand and hopes to build several more homes in the Northeast in the future. I am very excited to have been asked to be a part of this!
“If not us, then who?
If not me and you
Right now, it’s time for us to do something
If not now, then when?
will we see an end
to all this pain?
It’s not enough to do nothing
It’s time for us to do something”
~ “Do Something”, Matthew West
“Hear, O Israel! The Lord is our God, the Lord is one! You shall love the Lord your God with all your heart and with all your soul and with all your might. These words, which I am commanding you today, shall be on your heart. You shall teach them diligently to your sons and shall talk of them when you sit in your house and when you walk by the way and when you lie down and when you rise up. You shall bind them as a sign on your hand and they shall be as a frontal on your forehead. You shall write them on the door posts of your house and on your gates.” ~ Deuteronomy 6:4-9
This passage has been a long time favorite of mine. I really took to heart the concept of living every aspect of your life in accordance with the words of the Lord, and considered this a great passage to live by when parenting. I still think this is a great passage to live by, and it is still one of my favorite passages in scripture. Although I now approach the passage with an altered perspective, having spent the last 7 months as one of the primary care givers to 8 (now 9) beautiful girls.
It was easy to think of this passage as a great parenting passage when I was living on my own and responsible only for myself. Now that I have spent my days taking care of the physical, emotional, and spiritual needs of these girls I realize that living out this passage isn’t as easy as I imagined.
It is hard to teach the children the words of the Lord. It is easy to tell the children about the commandments of the Lord, but teaching is hard. Teaching requires patience and setting the example. Telling only requires words. It is hard to teach the children to love the Lord “with all of your heart and with all your soul and with all your might” when I so often fail to love Him completely like that myself.
In 1 John 4:7-8 we are told “Beloved, let us love one another, for love is from God; and everyone who loves is born of God and knows God. The one who does not love does not know God, for God is love.” The one who does not love does not know God, for God is love. Ouch! If I do not love I do not know God. How humbling that is! If I claim to love God with all of my heart, soul and might, I must also love my fellow man. Verse 20 says “If someone says ‘I love God’ and hates his brother, he is a liar; for the one who does not love his brother whom he has seen, cannot love God whom he has not seen.” If I can’t even love the people I live with, how can I claim to love God?
I have been learning so much about what it is to love during my time in this home. I realize now more than I ever did how unloving I am. I can talk about the concept of unconditional Agape love until I am blue in the face, but living it out is not my expertise. God has started me on a humbling and incredibly beautiful journey of learning to love with His love. This is a magical journey, because in the process of learning how to truly love I am also embarking on a journey to truly know God.
So how can I teach the children to love God with all of their heart, soul, and mind when I am only beginning to understand how to love myself? Thankfully this isn’t about what I can do. God has brought these children into this home. He has a plan for their lives. He has them in His hands and is singing a song over them. They are His children and He will never leave or forsake them.
“Promise me you’ll always remember: you’re braver than you believe, and stronger than you seem, and smarter than you think.” ~ Christopher Robin
She calls out in the night, “P, please hold me.” I put my hand on her stomach and she falls right back asleep. It amazes me that all it takes to chase her midnight fears away is a simple touch. She seems to have this fear that I am not there. Every night she makes this request, as if to confirm my presence. I have gotten used to it, and she calls out more infrequently now than before. I am amazed how easily her fear is quelled, but saddened by how real it is. She is so young, but has already been separated from the people who have been her constant (her parents). Now she has new constants, new people to rely on. Will she wake up and find us gone?
She tells me “P, I’m a big girl now. I don’t cry.” It is true. She doesn’t cry when she gets dropped off at school anymore. She’s our brave little princess. She doesn’t cry anymore, but she still makes a simple, yet telling statement every day. Her statement tells me that the fear that wakes her up at night haunts her day time as well. “P, come and pick me up later, okay?” she says. Everyday I reassure her that I will be back.
Brave.
It is a perfect word to describe our girls. Circumstances in their lives have made it unsafe for them to be with their families. They know that their families are not perfect and have problems, but family is family. Their little hearts still break. Every day they wake up knowing that in this home they are loved. Every day they have clothes to wear and food in their stomachs. Every day they laugh and play. Every day they learn. Every day their heart breaks. Every day they are brave.
As I sit here and reflect on little “Anna” and her fears, I am reminded that she is not the only one with the fear of being left alone. On dark days when I feel suffocated by the darkness, I have also called out to my heavenly father. I have also asked for a sign of His presence. I have also searched for confirmation that He will not leave me. And He has been there every time. He has held me when the darkness closed in. He has promised that “he will not fail you or forsake you.”(Deuteronomy 31:6)
I can’t chase their fears away. I can only teach them that their heavenly father will always be there for them. I can only pray that they receive this truth into their hearts and walk in the confidence of His unfailing love.
Reflecting back on this last year is extremely humbling. I am reminded of how much I have to be thankful for. As I reflect back over the year and see all that has happened, good and bad, I am overwhelmed by the love and grace that I see bestowed upon me by my heavenly Father.
This last year has been full of joy, hope, adventures, disappointments, trials, and grace. Through it all one thing has been clear: God has a plan and it is good. I often don’t have a clue what God is doing, but it is enough that He does. A very wise woman once shared a few words of wisdom with me about Psalm 119:105 that I have found to be very true in my life. She said that we often think that the words “your word is a lamp to my feet and a light unto my path” mean that we should be able to see the path ahead of us. Rather than focusing on the entire path ahead, she told me that often God only gives us enough light to see the next step ahead of us. It is up to us to trust Him and take that step. As we continue to trust Him and step forward, He give us enough light for each step we take. We won’t always know what is next, but we know that He will guide us and keep us from harm.
While we don’t know everything that 2015 has in store for us this year, there are a few things we do know. This year brings with it a move to a better location for our home, and we will very likely have more children coming into our home. The year is promising and exciting, but with the excitement will come more broken hearts, more vulnerable girls, and more need for God’s agape love. Thankfully God is ready and capable of meeting those needs.
So as I get ready to face my adventures with God in 2015, I want to wish you a Happy New Year! May your journey with God this year be rewarding and bring you growth!
There is no better way to greet the new year than with friends 🙂
This little one greeted the new year by loosing a tooth!
These 3 girls helped me make cookies!
We made our cookies in the rice cooker, because we don’t have an oven.
Watching a good movie with friends while eating a cookie and sipping on a cold drink isn’t a bad way to start the year.
This puzzle of the world, lent to us by Mama Kane, has taken us a good 2 days to complete.
Merry Christmas everyone!
Christmas isn’t quite as big here as in the U.S, so between the lack of Christmas-y things and cold weather it is hard to believe it is actually December. We did manage to find a little Christmas-ish tree and decorate it. It was exciting at the time, but I think the girls have essentially forgotten about the tree now ;)It has also been getting colder in the mornings this last week, so it is finally starting to feel like the cold season.
Over the last couple of weeks we’ve had a couple of “adventures”. Our truck was having problems starting, so we took it in to get fixed. Since I’m the one that drives it, I got to be the one stuck outside the school trying to start it while being stared at. Sometimes I feel like a zoo animal. I do have to say, though, that it was a pretty neat experience using our local Nissan dealership. They treated us like royalty and even gave us rides when our truck was in the shop (never got that in CA). We also had to make a couple of trips to the hospital due to a bad tooth ache. We don’t have a proper dental facility near us, so our girl with the tooth ache has not actually finished her dental work.
This week we are taking our girls on a 10 hour road trip. All of the Thailand homes are gathering in CM to celebrate Christmas together. We are all, of course, very excited about the trip. I’m especially looking forward to helping the four youngest (under 11) cope with the drive 😉
Remember Nhu leadership is very graciously allowing me to go home and spend Christmas with my parents and little brother, something I am very thankful for. This will be my first Christmas in Thailand in 10 years, and it is very special to be able to spend it with my family (including my Hmong family).
Our high school girls go to a school camp this week and we have to pick them up from camp early because of our trip to CM. The camp is in a city a little over an hour away, and neither Pam and I are very familiar with the road. Also, I have yet to drive in a big city here in Thailand, so hopefully we don’t get lost and make the trip safely.
While saying goodbye to the neighbor’s baby this morning, the 6 year old yelled out in English “I love you teacher!” This, folks, is my life and I wouldn’t have it any other way!
I was so angry. I could feel the anger swelling up inside of me like a storm about to break. I took deep breaths and stared intently at nothing.
I had just spent 5 minutes listening to a 7 year old express her loneliness and insecurities. I had just listened to her talk about being picked on, teased, and bullied. I had heard her tell me about the neighbor who used to hit her, and how her dad stood up for her. The same dad she lost to this thing called death. I had just convinced her to eat lunch, saying she didn’t have to eat a lot. And I had just heard her get yelled at.
I was angry.
The child was fragile and needed understanding, not an angry voice. I took deep breaths, trying to calm down. I knew the high school girl who yelled at her was also fragile. She also had things bothering her, the death of a friend for one. I knew there were other things bothering her that she wouldn’t tell me if she wanted to, because my Thai is too limited. And I knew it wasn’t her I was angry at.
I was angry because her response to the 7 year old was a result of how the home was run before we got here.
My anger turned to tears and I cried. I cried with anger. I cried from exhaustion. I cried because I’ve seen the girls cry. I cried because some of the girls don’t cry physical tears, but are crying inside. I cried and was reminded that God was crying with me. He knows the pain in their hearts and He can heal them. He can restore broken hearts and make them whole. He can bring peace in the midst of darkness, comfort in the midst of sorrow. He can restore strength to the weary and bestow wisdom on the foolish. All things that we can’t do, He can.
In the last month here, I have learned that I don’t have to have the answers. When I am at a loss of what to do, He is not. When I don’t have the patience, He can carry me through. When I am tired, He can give me strength. When I am at my wits end, He knows what to do. When I don’t know what is causing bad behavior, He can open my eyes and show me what is really going on in the heart of the child.
I’ve grown to love everyone of these children. I want to do my best by them. I want th
em to love God with all of their hearts, to help them deal with heart issues and not just bad behavior, to show them God’s unconditional love. I know that I can not do this on my own strength. I often wonder why I am here at all, and then am reminded that God uses the weak to confound the strong (1 Cor 1:27). I am also reminded that these children are not mine, or anyone in this world’s, but God’s. He has put me in their lives for the time being to take care of them, but they are His children. He loves them more than I ever could, and He takes care of them better than I could. For the time that I am with them, I will give all I have to take care of them. By God’s grace and by His grace alone can I do the job well.
“Knock, knock, knock.” It is never a soft knock. It is never a questioning knock. It is a loud and urgent knock. Most nights of the week, sometimes two or three times a night, I am awakened by this urgent knock and open the door to a sleepy face and a mumbled voice that I can’t understand. I don’t have to know what she is saying, because I already know she is too scared to go downstairs by herself and nature is urgently calling. Several nights ago I dealt with 3 children knocking on my door over and over again because they had the runs. This is my life now.
I don’t mind.
“P’ will you pick me up?” is a question I get everyday. Hugs and cuddles are my rewards for the late night potty adventures. Smiles and laughter are my rewards for the life I now live. From the youngest to oldest, my heart is warmed by them every day.
This week was Mother’s day week here in Thailand. I’m not a mother, nor am I the primary caregiver here. I have only been here a week and a half, but I love every one of these girls. So when my friend Elsie (R.N Director’s wife) and I went to the younger girls’ school as their mothers for the mother’s day ceremony, I felt so privileged. How did I get here? This time last year God was telling me to get ready to finally go home to Thailand. Now here I am helping take care of 8 beautiful girls who may have otherwise been sold into slavery, and I am dumbfounded. I came here as helper to my friend “Pam”, who is the new house mother. And yet, even as just a helper, I feel like this home is my new family. I am so completely overwhelmed and thankful.
I went from taking care of only myself and getting myself to and
from work to helping take care of 8 girls. I used 
to wake up whenever I wanted, as long as I made it to work on time. Now I wake up between 5 and 6:30am every morning (depending on whether it is a school day or not) and help cook breakfast, shower and dress the little ones, and drive them all to and from school. I used to go wherever and do whatever I wanted. Now I help clean and organize the house, do the kids’ laundry, shop, etc. I used to only have to worry about my own spiritual and emotional health. Now I am concerned about the emotional and spiritual health of 9 others. I used to make sure I use manners and treat others well. Now I have to teach some hard headed, but adorable, kids manners (I understand now Mom – I’m sorry!).
My life has changed significantly. I knew it would, but I had no idea in what way. I wish I could explain better the life I now live. 
I wish you could know the children I love. I wish you could meet my amazing friend Pam, who does so much more than I and carries the responsibility of the home on her shoulders. I wish you could hear her wisdom and see her interact with the kids.
The truth is that at the end of the day I am exhausted. At the end of the day, Pam and I are usually exasperated. But at the end of the day I know that I am exactly where God wants me to be. I can see His fingerprints every where here. I can see how He has gone before me and orchestrated everything perfectly. I can see that He has led me here at this very time. I knew that God’s timing was best, but couldn’t understand why it was taking so long. Now I can see that God wanted me here now – no sooner, no later. I am so extremely thankful.
Meet my new family
“I would rather be here than anywhere else.” I heard a friend here say that yesterday, and it struck me because it put into words exactly how I feel. For the last 9 years I have lived everyday with an aching heart, a sense of brokenness, and a longing that I couldn’t get rid of. This last week I suddenly realized that for the first time in a very long time, my heart hasn’t hurt every waking moment. Everyday I wake up and my heart is at peace. The longing and the pain is gone.That isn’t to say that the last 9 years was horrible and a waste. It has actually been a beautiful time full of growth and life. I built friendships in these last few years that will last a lifetime. While it has been difficult, I can see how it has changed and strengthened me. And I can see why I needed to wait until this year to come here.
I am awakened almost every morning by the sound of 50+ children singing worship songs. Every afternoon I am greeted by 50+ smiles and hello’s as they come home from school. Every day I am given hugs by the sweetest children in the world, and every day I lose my heart to them a little more. Every day I see God’s love poured out through the R.N staff, international teams, and even the children. Every day I see evidence of God working in individual lives. Every day God works in my heart and life. Every day life is beautiful.
“Do you understand?” the tester asked me in Thai. I was taking the color test at the Thai “dmv”. I looked at him, shaking my head. “I don’t understand,” I replied in Thai. The truth was that I understood the first half of his instructions, but not the second half. I only ever knew conversational Thai, and being away for 9 years only made it worse. I couldn’t remember in the moment how to communicate that I only understood in part, so I decided to say no. He waived me by, indicating that I should follow the rest of the group. As I passed him, I heard him comment to no one in particular “She speaks Thai, but does not understand.” I laughed. I couldn’t help it. My answer did seem absurd.
My first few days here were spent running around gathering paperwork for my motorcycle license. I spent some time practicing on a couple of different motorcycles, quietly telling myself “left, drive on the left.” I think the most confusing part was knowing which way to look first at intersections. It didn’t take me quite as long as I expected, though, to adjust to the roads here.
It was finally time to actually apply for the license and take the test. Oh boy! Most of the process was a lot of waiting. From the research we had done, I was expecting to take a 3 hour class (in Thai) before being sent to take the written test. For some reason, I ended up bypassing the class and after an hour or so of waiting and being sent to different windows, I found myself being sent to the testing room. I had not received any instructions or given a handbook. The only “studying” I had done was looking at posters in the main waiting room and reading a set of road rules we found on the internet that morning. It took two tries, but to my relief I managed to pass the written test.
The driving test was a very interesting experience. They have a testing course set up, and all the cars line up and drive around the course while the instructors watch. After driving around the course, they had to back up in between two lines of posts. The motorcycle test was even easier. You drove around the course, stopping at stops signs, turning when the sign said to turn, weaving between a line of cones, and finally driving on a 2×4 board for several meters. I managed to fall off the board 😦 But I passed! I honestly am not even sure the testers were watching me.
Now that the motorcycle license is out of the way, I’m off to join the children!
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